"Smutty innuendo is the lowest form of .........

Not a smutty innuendo in sight in today's post, not sure if that's the result of cumulative fatigue or my subconscious reacting to the comment from Bob this morning that "Smutty innuendo is the lowest form of tabloid journalism."

After yesterday's efforts I arrived at the Sunday afternoon session at Consett, and was relieved that it only lasted an hour. No chance of getting carried away in the quest to swim a zillion miles, completed a fairly measured and uneventful 2,466m.

With only tomorrow left in this year's February Fitness Challenge  I feel pretty confident that I'm going to make 100,000 metres for the month. I'm not sure when I last completed that sort of distance, probably never....

Didn't quite manage it today falling 200m short of the target, but provided I can find my way to a swimming pool at some point tomorrow I should complete what was my tertiary target, after swimming everyday in the month and the secondary aim of swimming 100,000 yards. The incumbent Christine was back today and I have her to thank for this little work out.

133 swim, 66 kick, 66 pull
133 swim, 66 kick, 66 pull
4 x 33 @ 45 prog
133 swim @ 2.40
100 swim @ 2.00
66 swim @ 1.20
33 swim @ 40
100 swim @ 2.00
66 swim @ 1.20
33 swim @ 40
66 swim @ 1.20
33 swim @ 40
33 swim @ 40
4 x 66 @ 80s 33 hard, 33 easy
4 x 66 @ 80s 33 easy, 33 hard
4 x 66 @ 90s hard *
6 x 33 breast @ 60s
133 swim down
2466m

* There were a couple of 55's and a couple of 53/54's thrown into this last set.

Middle aged exciting Friday Night.....A Short Tesco Session and then Vegetate...

Did you know that we are 15.3% through 2011 and I have now covered 25.1% of my annual yardage target? My toosmart spread sheet informed me of this fact when I added tonight's rather meagre efforts to my February total.

Kid's half term holidays made a lunch time sesh impractical, and my plans to slope off for a swim at Gateshead were quashed by teenage daughter's social life turning to mush. Racked with an unusual amount of parental guilt and conscience I gave up any aspiration of a trip to Gateshead Leisure Centre and settled for a dip in the Endless Pool.

I am hopeless at swimming in that flume, although I probably should be encouraged because I lasted longer than I did a fortnight ago or indeed at the beginning of the year. I was also able to rachet up the speed on the flume hence the increase in heart rate as shown below.

800 *warm up
2 x 400 @ 7mins 30 secs
2 x 100 pull @ 2 mins
200 swim down
2000m

*these distances are all approximations but are probably conservative estimates based on 100 strokes per 100 metres.

If you want to get a head get a hat.......

Uh oh I'm in the dog house with teenage daughter having completely "ruined" her life, and failed as a parent, my transgression? I didn't manage to purchase a school hat which is apparently absolutely mandatory and essential wear for the "Founder's day" service on Friday....and if she doesn't have it she'll be in the deepest doodoo I can imagine. (don't you just love the sense of proportionality teenagers have.)

The following conspired to cause my failings, starting with my unrivalled ability to procrastinate, a late meeting at work, leaving credit cards at home, a parking crisis, an inability to find a sales assistant from the relevant department at John Lewis, the wholesale moving by JL of their school supplies to an on line only service, and finally placing the order at 7.03pm 3 minutes after the cut off time for next day delivery.

There was such a spectacular argument all the way home, she didn't take too kindly to being told it's just a hat..... in the end I abandoned her at home alone and went off swimming absolutely foaming. I fully expected child protection officers waiting for me when I returned home, but a degree of tranquility had set in.

The session was a bit of a survival set, as I'm suffering a bit. It was notable because the "mighty Morgan" turned up and led the lane out, sickeningly getting faster and stronger as the session wore on. The aim of the set was to swim the 200's steady and to swim the shorter distances hard. I failed miserably in that and I think that there's a fair amount of garbage yardage going on here.

200 warm up
200 @ 3.30
2 x 100 @ 1.45
200 @ 3.30
3 x 66 @ 70s
200 @ 3.30
1x 100 @ 1.45
1 x 66 @ 70s
1 x 33 @ 35s
200 x 1.45 s
6 x 33 @ 35s
6 x 33 @ 40s
200 @ 3.45
1 x 33 @ 40s
1 x 66 @ 80s
1x 100 @ 1.45
200 @ 3.45
3 x 66 @ 80s
200 @ 3.45
2 x 100 @ 1.45s
200 @ 3.45
800 swim down
4200 m

Valentine's Day Massacre...with 416,600 metres to go.

OK half way through the February Fitness Challenge and so far so good. I not only managed to swim each day but also I'm on target to complete a mini challenge of swimming 100,000 yards in the month having passed the 50k mark (by a mere 87 yards) with a swim this afternoon.

It's Valentine's day and there I was, stuck dealing with a divorce case in the world's most inappropriately named building which is the "Durham Civil and Family Justice Centre", until well after lunchtime. (trust me the only accurate word in that title is Durham as it is hardly Family friendly and there is nothing Civil nor anything like Justice dispensed there.)

To cut a long story short, my extremely unromantic day was spent watching my very own Valentine's Day Massacre unfold as we became the victims of a conspiracy between a genuinely bonkers husband, his pernickity barrister and a Judge determined to retire by the end of the month who was clearly worried that if she started the case, she would still be hearing it by Christmas.

As I drove back after a fruitless and frustrating four and a half hours, fretting about missing my swim, I suddenly thought what the heck, I'm due a lunch break anyway. Now I wouldn't normally play hookey from work but all bets are off this month, so, I made a detour via the pool.

I was aiming to do a bit of a Tesco session somewhere between 1600 & 2000, but felt pretty good and my extended swim put off the carnage back at the office. The pool was very quiet, and although I'm not normally a fan of 800's they felt really good and I thought I'd stay in and put my monthly yardage target back in the black. Is this a comeback..... 

800 warm up
2 x 800 pull @ 14mins
6 x 100 66 drill 33 swim @ 1.55
4 x 100 @ 2 mins 33 ba, 33 brst, 33 free
200 swim down
3600m

Saturday retail therapy? Grumpy Old Woman has 422,800 metres left.

"Can you do me a favour if you are going down to your mums. The department is buying me an Android phone so I can develop apps for our courses - I've reserved it at Argos, could you pay for it (there is money in the joint account) and pick it up for me? " I received this seemingly innocent email yesterday afternoon from my other half, thus starting this morning's adventures in Metro centre wonderland....

As devotees of this blog (my mum) will know, I suffered a Frantic Friday and wasn't able to make Argos last night, so I thought I'd pop in on the way back home after this morning's training session it would only take me 5 minutes right..... wrong!

Have you ever shopped at Argos, it's not a particularly inspiring retail experience the place is a bit reminiscent of a cross between a job centre and an airport check in area and there's hardly any stuff on the shelves.

Undeterred I walked in armed with the reservation slip, to be met with a row of chairs and a display screen showing numbers, thinking it was like a supermarket deli counter I looked around for the machine to collect my ticket from. I was perhaps fortunate that this was early on and the place was pretty empty as a girl at the collections desk explained that I had to go and pay for the item first at the tills, trusting huh?

I walked over to the checkouts and stood in a queue, was it my imagination or did every transaction at the tills take the best part of 15 minutes. The glacial pace of the queue gave me an opportunity to study the reservation form,  Which helpfully actually gave instructions as to how you collect your item; step 2 said:-

Aha I'll use the "Quick Pay kiosk" so I fatally step out of the queue, and locate a kiosk, I enter the reservation number only to be advised that the item I am attempting to purchase must be bought at the till. Back to the queue which of course is now twice as long as when I gave up my spot.......  On arriving at the till and paying for the item I was told that I had to also buy a £10.00 top up with the phone. Blissfully unaware of the details of the transaction my other half had signed up to, I just accepted this and after a trip back to the collection point I eventually escaped with the phone.

As I walked out I was reflecting upon the fact that the etymology of Argos is Greek and means "bright, shining and swift" hmmm not too sure about that, but as I recall Ulysses' dog was called Argos and he spent 10 years waiting for his master to return, obviously the inspiration for this particular retail model.

Of course the £10 top up I'd paid for was part of a special offer and included in the price... so Bob then spent most of the afternoon being Mr Angry to Argos' customer service department and I'm dreading the inevitable "please could you just take this phone back it's on your credit card and they'll need it for the refund....life's too short."

Meanwhile earlier at the pool the Fairy Snow Baby hit us with this little work out. My arms were just knackered particularly my triceps but I managed the 400's on 7.15 that's 15 secs quicker than in the session on the "Can I outsmart an Excel spreadsheet" blog and I was repping on about 6.25-6.35's so I reckon all this aquatic madness is having an effect.

800 warm up 100 free, 100 back, 100 free, 100 brst x 2
6 x 400 @ 7.15 1 & 2 swim, 3 & 4 pull with paddles, 5 pull and 6 swim *
6 x 50's kick with fins @ 65 s**
6 x 100 IM's @ 1.55
200 swim down
4300m

* times were between 6.25 and 6.35
** this was very ugly

Swimming Hickeys

Ouch there is not a centimetre on my body that does not ache, 8 consecutive days of swimming and I'm knackered. Worse still my costume's starting to rub and my neck looks like either I've been strangled or been in a passionate tryst which has left me with two beautiful symmetrical hickey's (chance would be a fine thing).

My polarpersonaltrainer is showing red for the next two days and advising that training is not recommending, unfortunately in the throes of the February Fitness Challenge I don't have the luxury of a couple of days off. Does that qualify as an act of rebellion and defiance?

Training tonight was a definite win for the girlies, with only 3 of the guys turning up. As I predicted Bart the Shark, was promoted into the Girlies lane. The big test set was deceptively difficult. I really lost it in terms of maintaining the times however with a cunning plan which included some hard kicking under the water off the walls and developing a very long gliding catch up stroke I managed to reduce my stroke count from 76 to 48 you can see how my heart rate spiked.

800 Warm up change stroke each 25
4 x 4 x 50 IM order 50 kick, 50 drill, swim, swim harder
8 x 100 @ 2 mins
  1st set of 4 count strokes and hold time 76 strokes per 100 time 95's
  2nd set reduce by 1 stroke per 25  68, 64,60,56 per 100 hold time
8 x100 @ 2.15  
  3rd set hold stroke count from last repeat of 2nd and reduce time  held 56's
  4th set hold time from last repeat and reduce strokes, 1-3 holding 54 strokes per 100 last 100 reduced to 48
200 floppy
4 x 6 x 50  1st set 4 No 1 @ 70, 2nd set free @ 60, 3rd set medley changeover @ 65, 4th set free @ 60 200 swim down
4800 m

Teenagers, Pencil Cases & the Law of Unintended Consequences

It's amazing isn't it how your best laid plans can be absolutely kiboshed by such a simple event as a teenager forgetting to pick up her pencil case and nipping back home to collect it.

In the three minutes this seemingly innocent task took to fulfill, of course the school bus arrived and departed without the said teenager amongst it's passengers, thereby setting in train a series of events which meant that today kicked off as an unmitigated disaster. 

The unscheduled trip into Newcastle (during rush hour) took 80 productive minutes out of my day, not to mention the environmental damage and the increase in green house gases, as a result of the unnecessary car journey, and the stress and blood pressure reaching "clinically dead" levels (deja-vu?) as I realised the fate of my lunch time swim was now in the balance. 

What a great start to a Monday, fortunately by lunchtime things had improved somewhat and I managed to sneak away for and hour or so. Swimming up and down can be quite soothing and does give you a chance for some thinking time.

The pool was pretty quiet (5 head up breaststrokers with pretty good lane awareness and an aging backstroker hugging the wall) and I was going so nicely my initial plan to swim 3 x 400's extended to 5. I was repping on about 6:35's - 6.40's so for the first time this year there was a pretty generous rest, a long way away from the slow plod in the "Can I Outsmart an Excel Spreadsheet" post and I was wearing paddles for the first three in that set.

1000 Warm up swam as
3 x   33 free, 33 drill
        33 free, 33 back
        33 free, 33 drill
        33 free. 33 brst
        33 free, 33 drill
5 x 400 @ 7.30 pull breathing every 6 strokes
3 x 66 brst kick @ 10 s RI
200 swim down
3400 m

Fully Gadget Compliant? with 445,800 metres left.

Did I mention I'd misplaced the chest strap which compliments my too smart watch; so for the last week I've been swimming without the clever graphs or without the polarpersonaltrainer telling me I'm knackered and I should refrain from hard exercise or racing.

Well courtesy of Amazon, nearly 40 quid and a trip via the post office at some unfeasibly early time on the way training this morning I'm now fully gadget compliant... and once upon a time I thought all you needed was a cossie and goggles..

Training this morning was fairly steady, although the 150's nipped a bit. It included a nice 5 minute break, while the Fairy Snow Baby made "I'm Simon fly me" do a 200 timed swim because he missed the T 30 last week. Not sure that that really stacked up 30 minutes flat out swim versus 2 mins and 28 secs, but hey I for one was grateful for the rest.

600 Warm up 50 swim 50 drill
8 x 25 free sprint @ 35s
8 x 150 pull free @ 2.30 broken 10 secs rest @100*
200 back swim down
8 x 75's kick 50 steady 10 s RI, 25 hard 20 secs RI**
400 IM drill swim down
400 swim down
3400

* These were a bit of a test, I started off swimming comfortably under 90 seconds for the first few 100m but knew I was in trouble when I thought we'd done 6 to be told it was only 5 and I still had 3 to go, I was really hanging on.
**As you may have noticed from my sessions I tend to do the stuff I like doing, and I simply hate kick and I'm awful at it, so these were tortuous...but I probably should do more.

Going commando! and a smidgeon off 50,000 metres down.

I emerged from work thinking that Cyclone Yasi had veered off course. It was totally wild. On arriving late for training I came in for a bit of stick from Bart the Shark and Awesome Emma for not making Tuesday's session which apparently resulted in Emma going to A & E with an acute asthma attack, you see she hasn't been properly right since those 16 x 25's fly.

The new Gateshead Pools have adopted the changing village concept, so on getting out of the pool and heading for the changing rooms,  I scooped up my clothes and started to dress in a nearby cubicle, only to discover my knickers were missing.... deciding that rather than mess around and drape myself in a towel to check the locker looking for them, I'd simply "go commando". I packed up my gear and stepped out of the cubicle to be confronted by my black Marks and Spencer's undies lying in a puddle in the aisle....for all the world to see.

Anyway this was a bit of a mish mash of a session half invented by the Fairy Snow Baby and half by the club A squad coach who was taking the kids squad in the other half of the pool. Not sure I'm even close to being able to swim fast yet and the 100's were pretty poor.

250 Warm up
8 x 150's @ 2.45 100 free 50 IM order
8 x 50 @ 70s brst drill
2 x 5 x 100 @ 2 mins swum as
   1 x 100 15m max 85 m easy
   1 x 100 25m max 75 easy
   1 x 100 25 max 25 easy repeat
   1 x 100 50 max 50 easy
   1 x 100 flat out aaargh!
550 pull swim down
3200 total.

Blag a session to blog a session....and only 454,800 metres left.

A lunchtime meeting to discuss cash flow for god's sake, now I know this is pretty vital to our business survival but it certainly put paid to my planned lunch time swim. Never mind I thought, I have a cunning plan which involved a very late lunch and dropping by the pool between 4 and 5 on my way to a meeting. But nope sorry pool closed to the public at 4pm for swimming lessons. So no swim, but I was given a pool timetable.

With panic setting in and the thought of an endless pool session looming, I decided that I'd try and blag my way into the session with Consett Masters. Cookie the coach was as accomodating as ever and waved me in. The kid's squad who swim alongside the masters was fairly lightly attended so he also took our lanes....and set this rather nasty little programme.

I was swimming behind Queenie Reed, another swimmer of my generation and actually sister in law of El Tel (North East swimming can be a bit incestuous)) she was doing a great job, with a nice aerobic pace in the 200's  and I was trying to hang onto her feet.

I started off pretty promisingly but as fatigue set in I crashed and burned quite badly. I led off the 3rd set of 200's and promptly miscounted, I'm not sure if I was more upset by the fact that I still had another 100 metres to complete with no rest and then into the 100's or that I'd just sprinted a 100 and would never make the turn around time when I completed the 200.

266 Free warm up
3 x 200 free @ 3.30 steady short rest*
4 x 100 free @ 1.45 hard
3 x 200 free @ 3.30 as above
3 x 100 free @ 2.00 hard
3 x 200 free @ 3.30 as above
2 x 100 free @ 2.15 hard
3 x 200 free @ 3.30 as above**
1 x 100 free very hard
266 pull, 133 drill, 133 brst kick
4200 total
* which became even shorter and shorter rest
** and this wasn't as above either as it ended up a virtual continuous swim.

How to have your cake and eat it (or Leek and Chervil soup, followed by Roast Shoulder of Lamb, Fruit and Nut Cous Cous and Lemon Salsa)

There was never going to be any serious contest was there, Tuesday night training session lining up against a Collaborative POD meeting followed by a supper at one of Durham's finest eateries Bistro 21; which describes itself on its website thus "rustic chic style, whitewashed walls, pitched pine floors Bistro 21 has classic simplicity; Classically executed bistro style dishes are served in" yada yada yada.....enough of the commercial, you get the picture.. needless to say given my newfound commitment to the pursuit of aquatic goals; the night out won.

Spurning the delightful company of the Fairy Snow Baby, Synchro Dad, Park Ranger, Bart the Shark et al I opted for the more refined and chlorine free environment of Terry Laybourne's eating establishment, and thus immediately faced the first dilemma of the month, but what about the February Fitness Challenge?  Was I going to fail at the first hurdle, never get out of the starting blocks, be DQ'd for a technical infringement in marshalling?

No......problem solved with a lunchtime dip in Consett public pool, I felt a little guilty sneaking out of the office but it was a gorgeous day, the pool was quiet and the bright sunlight streaming through the windows more than made up for the fact that the pool is 33 metres long and feels really slow.

I was quite impressed I was able to swim on my own for over an hour, usually I run out of patience and motivation around the 40 minute mark but I lasted just over 65 mins with the following rather unimaginative programme. I did though feel that I had earned my dinner which was well worth the wait.

1200 Warm up swum as
200 free, 166 alt br/back, 200 free 166 alt br/back. 200 free 166 alt br/back 200 free.
6 x 100 @ 1.55 pull
6 x 100 @ 1.50 pull
6 x 100 @ 1.45 pull*
166 brst kick
233 free drill
3400 metres total

* I was quite relieved that there were only 6 of these 100's as I was seriously running out of rest on the last couple.  

The Ultimate Binge Swim

As I mentioned yesterday after a fairly steady start to my swimming efforts in January, I'm about to step up my game to undertake the February Fitness Challenge. This is simply trying to swim everyday in the month. Why February? well firstly it's the shortest month, and usually entails only 4 complete weeks of work. It also lifts your motivation just as your New Year's resolution resolve is flagging.

There is the personal satisfaction of completing the challenge and logging your yardage, but for those of you with that ultra competitive genetic make up there actually is a great competition you could enter. Full details can be found on the Barracudas' website .

The event started in 1992 by the Crawfish Masters Swim Team of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. In 1999, it migrated to the soggy hills of Oregon and fell under the tender loving care of "The Tualatin Hills Barracudas Masters" where it has flourished. In 2000 the Barracudas were awarded the United States Masters Swimming Fitness Award for their development of this event.

Have a look at some of the previous year's results they are really jaw dropping and for those of you with the ultra competitive gene you can send in an entry to claim a T shirt or a frog pin and see where you place. It is not necessary to swim everyday in February to enter.

So having completed the FFC you're well on the way to being a swimming obsessive and looking to later in the year you might be ready to take on the ultimate Binge Swim. The 2swim4life challenge, this event is being held for the second time following its successful launch in 2008.

The aim of this challenge is to swim 1 mile every hour for 24 hours, it’s due to take place at Guildford Lido from the 30th April to 1st May and the web site http://www.2swim4life.co.uk/ contains all of the information you could need and some really useful advice from the hardy souls who completed this event in 2008.

The nominated charity for the event is Help for Heroes. Bearing in mind that Guildford Lido is outdoors total respect to anyone who attempts this, never mind completes it, and has to contend with darkness, distance and probably rather chilly weather particularly through the night. It is worth bearing in mind that the Lido is heated to a fairly brisk 24 degrees so it should be about perfect to swim in.

If you are interested in taking part (and obviously completely bonkers), places are understandably limited then contact Lesley Zimmerman the driving force behind this fiendish little event, via the website.